Toru and Naoko’s Loss: Who am “I” without you?

 In Precarious Life, Judith Butler argues that when we lose someone, we lose more than that person—in addition to losing the other, we lose the part of ourself reflected in the other, and the relational bond between oneself and the other. The bond that is lost is a bond constitutive of oneself, so when you lose another, you lose part of yourself, too. When Toru and Naoko’s relationships with Kizuki each end, Toru and Naoko both lose the part of themselves that existed only in relation to Kizuki—no longer are they the same people. Reflecting on the past, Toru describes this sentiment: “The night Kizuki died, however, I lost the ability to see death (and life) in such simple terms. Death was not the opposite of life. It was already here, within my being…” (25). Part of Kizuki is dead, but he must go on living. He does not know who he is, without Kizuki; he does not know if there is an “I” that exists within him without the other who made him who he was. Explaining her relationship with Kizuki to Toru, Naoko says, “Our boy-girl relationship was really unusual, too. It was as if we were physically joined somewhere” (127). Naoko and Kizuki seem like they were even more tightly bound together than Toru and Kizuki; they were inseparable, unintelligible to themselves without the other. But something remains for both Toru and Naoko—the image of the Kizuki which still exists in their minds. Kizuki was always the link that connected Naoko and Toru together—and years after his death, their relationship still seems to rest on that foundational link. I think that Naoko and Toru are so drawn to each other because being with each other enables them to keep getting to know Kizuki. Naoko gets to learn the part of Kizuki which existed only in relation to Toru, and Toru gets to know the Kizuki that existed only in relation to Naoko. Those parts of Naoko and Toru reflected in Kizuki remain dead, but through their relationship with one another, Naoko and Toru can build a new image of Kizuki which reveals parts of his past self that they hadn’t known. They can regain a relationship, though different, with Kizuki by developing their relationship with each other. I think that’s the reason why they say they can only possibly get better together—because together is the only way they can get a part of Kizuki back. 

Juliet